The worst thing that could happen to any family is a cheating spouse. It can crumble everything the couple has worked for in one fell swoop. Amanda* experienced this first hand, “ No matter how carefully you plan and how you work to keep your family together, if your husband will cheat, he will”, she says. “ I am in my late twenties, a mother of a beautiful baby boy and a happy housewife. At least I was happy until I discovered that my husband of two years was having an extra-marital affair with a colleague from the office. When friends and even acquaintances started whispering into my ears that they had seen my husband dating another woman on several occasions, I struggled so hard not to believe them and I refused to confront him based on their stories. Then one day, out of curiosity, I went through his blackberry phone; this was something I had never done. My worst fears were confirmed; I saw a sexually charged chat he had had with some girl and also the nude picture of herself that she sent him. I don’t think there are enough words to describe how alone I felt at that moment, how betrayed I felt. My little world wasn’t so perfect after all. I confronted him with the evidence, he denied at first then got angry at me for going through his phone in the first place as if that was the issue. We had a very heated argument after which I moved into the guest room. I think I would have moved out completely if not for my son. It has been nearly eight months and he has made several attempts to apologize but I don’t even want to hear it. My marriage is in shambles and I have been seriously contemplating getting a divorce. The only question on replay in my mind is, ‘why did he do it?’ I tried really hard to be the perfect wife, ‘why did he cheat on me?’
Amanda is only one of countless women world over who ask this question, ‘Why do men cheat?’ Kat Hertlein, Ph.D, a marriage and family therapist estimates that approximately 40—50% of men seek sexual satisfaction outside their relationships. Men like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tiger Woods and Jesse James had it all: talent, fame, money and beautiful families. They had everything to lose yet they cheated on their wives. Why did they throw it all away? No one is saying that women are angels, there are some women that cheat just as often as men do however it has been proven that men cheat more. Gary Neuman, a marriage counselor, conducted a two year study involving 200 men. Of the men surveyed:
· 92% say that it’s not just about the sex
· 88% confess that the other woman is neither better looking nor in better shape
· 55% don’t tell their wives and deny cheating when confronted
· 48% are emotionally disconnected from their wives/ girlfriends
· 12% cheat no matter what
In a bid to get some answers to this question directly from the ‘source’, I began to haunt my male friends and their friends with the question, ‘why do men cheat?’. Some were evasive, for some it was a touchy subject while most were forth coming with answers. The last group had quite a lot to say out of which I was able to glean out ten reasons why men cheat:
1. EGO BOOST. Sometimes a man could, for a number of reasons, feel like he isn’t still attractive to the opposite sex so when a woman shows some interest, he reacts allowing her to stroke his ego and more. “ it happens to the best of us” says *Charles 34, business man, “ sometimes I find myself wanting other women to be attracted to me. I would never act on this feeling though, because I value what I have with my wife and my two sons but some men who don’t know how to handle this go ahead to cheat on their wives or girlfriends just to feel good about themselves”
2. HE HAS FALLEN OUT OF LOVE. * Brown 29, Lawyer confessed that the one time he ever cheated, he was feeling very uncomfortable in a relationship but did not want to be the one to leave so he cheated, giving the girl an excuse to leave him. “ Definitely not something I’m proud of” he adds
3. POOR SEX LIFE. All the guys I spoke to were unanimous that the quickest way their wives/ girlfriends could drive them into the arms of another woman is by not being creative or willing to try new things in the bedroom. “You have to understand [that] men love sex and if any woman keeps saying ‘no’ to her mans’ sexual fantasies, he could be forced to find someone who does not think that he is disgusting and is willing to play” * Tobe 24, lawyer says.
4. REVENGE. Apparently, men also cheat to get back at a wife or girlfriend for hurt feelings. *Nkem 29, an IT consultant recalls when he was back in London getting his masters degree, “ I had this girlfriend who I was so in love with, then I found out that she had been cheating on me. I was so mad that I went and had sex with one of her friends, then I told her what I’d done and broke up with her. I have no regrets whatsoever, girls have to learn not to toy with a man’s emotions like that”
5. YOU HAVE ALLOWED IT IN THE PAST. If you have forgiven a cheating man a couple of times, he is more than likely to go on and cheat again because he already knows that if he pleads hard enough, you will forgive again. “ My ex-wife kept on forgiving me so that sort of emboldened me to go on cheating, she condoned it so I felt that I had nothing to worry about; I stopped being discreet with my activities, even went as far bringing girls home when I was sure she wasn’t home. That was her breaking point, she divorced me” confesses *Tunde
6. NAGGING. “ There are a lot of things I can take from a woman, but nagging isn’t one of them” says Nnamdi 27, Architect. “ I’m single at the moment but if I was unfortunate enough to end up with a nagging girlfriend or wife, I think I would cheat on her if only to get her voice out of my head for a few minutes!”. Men will sometimes cheat to get away from an overly critical or argumentative partner. No one wants to be around someone who is constantly on them about something.
7. OPPORTUNITY. The typical man will cheat if the opportunity to do so presents itself. Some would go as far as creating that opportunity, for instance, if he goes out a lot partying without you it is most likely that he capitalizes on that ‘freedom’ to cheat. “ it takes a lot of will power to have an opportunity to have free sex and still walk away from that, I don’t know a lot of men that have that will power” opines *Chris 31, Banker.
8. LACK OF COMMUNICATION. This leads to emotional disconnection and when a man feels emotionally disconnected from his wife or girlfriend, chances are that he will try to connect with someone else which ultimately leads to cheating.
9. NEW, DIFFERENT AND EXCITING EXPERIENCE. Most of the guys agree that it takes a lot of self- discipline for a man to stick to one woman and there is this ever present temptation to go try something new with someone else especially when he gets too comfortable in the relationship he’s in and believes that his wife or girlfriend would never leave him.
10. PUSHING BOUNDRIES. Some men would cheat just to see if they can get away with it. If he has the mindset that ‘what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her’ then he would probably continue cheating because he believes that since she doesn’t know then everything is alright.
Despite the excuses that men have been heard to give—she is not what she used be, she is always in my ears like a mosquito, she just doesn’t get me etc, a man’s decision to cheat or stay faithful is not something women can control. Even if you are the worse spouse or girlfriend on earth, your partner can find better ways to deal with unhappiness but only if he wants to. You cannot make your husband or boyfriend cheat anymore than you can make him drink or be abusive.
*NOT REAL NAMES
By Nnenna olike
callnemal@yahoo.co.uk
1 comment:
This topic is just tiring. I've come to the conclusion dat it just can't be helped. Cos no matter how 'perfect' the wife is, you still see situations where d guys still 'look outside'.
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